When I first started medical school, there was never a doubt that I wanted to be a surgeon. I thought that it was the closest thing to being an artist and surgeon because you are paid for your clinical knowledge and the skills with your hands. But as my medical education progressed, I feared that the lifestyle of a surgeon was not one that I signed up for. With many on-calls and late nights, I had many debates with my inner self if surgery was worth sacrificing my life for.
In the end, I want to be happy and I want to lead a purposeful life helping people. Albeit idealistic, it is ingrained in my character to see the patient, as a whole patient, and not just as a disease. Therefore, utterly conflicted about speciality choices, I took a personality-ish test designed by University of Virginia to pair you to the right speciality. And my results were quite surprising, yet accurate.
Up on top, it said psychiatry. I don't know if it is because I am taking philosophy this year, or maybe it is my fascination with human behaviour and the brain, but in the back of my mind, I knew that psychiatry was a potential avenue. Not only can you deeply explore your patients' conditions, you can form relationships with them over time and help them alleviate their emotional distress. I find the mind extremely complex thus fascinating - nothing that can be explained reducibly in human body or physical form. Plainly, you can't treat the mind only by treating the brain. Thus the void is filled with studies in the humanities: sociology, psychology, anthropology, neuroscience, philosophy and history. The breadth of possibilities are endless, and since psychiatry is a relatively new field, I cannot imagine what it would be like in 5, let alone 20 years.
However, the downside of psychiatry is its stigma. If mentally ill patients receive stigma, so too do their doctors. Unfortunately, this does not only come from the public, but from fellow doctors as well. Psychiatrist are often said to be not "real" doctors and the history of asylums does little to help shake off this perception issue. Good thing I am an INFP, so I do not really care what other people think because I am an introverted feeler. But the flexible and supportive working environment as well as opportunities to branch out into media, film and writing is an added bonus.
But I did pay a visit to Great Ormond Hospital yesterday to settle details on my research project, and walking into the paediatric gastroenterology ward made me feel like I belong in a hospital environment. I guess what I am saying is: I am confused.
I think I should let go and just see what happens. "Live in the moment" as Jason Mraz kindly puts it. But at the moment, anxiety of not knowing is paralysing.
