085: Restlessness

I tried laying on my back for 30 seconds. Trying to empty my mind of any thoughts except for the numbers I am mentally counting up to 30. I found it so incredibly difficult. Fidgety almost, like my physical body is nauseated by stillness. My hand automatically wanted to reach for my phone, a book, anything to fill the lull of awkwardness of truly being by myself with myself. This was really strange.

Its the feeling on the tube, when no one really knows where to focus one's gaze at. So the phone or ipad or newspaper or book comes out. Because staring into space is just not as acceptable as before. For one, you might accidentally be staring directly at someone, attracting unwanted attention. But more obviously, it is an incredibly large lull or buffering period in many people's daily routine. If possible, I bet everybody would opt to instantly teleport to their intended destination. No rush hour, yay! But technological restrictions forces us to experience routine means to ends. Like that multicoloured beach ball that constantly rotates when you're waiting for a computer program to load. An attention diversion from the now louder background white noise.

Its also the feeling when I sit in bed staring into space. My husband would instantly think something is wrong, stops what he is doing to ask, "Is something wrong?" Then there's me, slowly gaining comfort in the daydream, being snapped back into reality to reply, "Nope, I'm just thinking." When really I'm not - the act of non-thinking is actually quite liberating. An escape from the constant bombardment of tasks and the categorising of ideas in active everyday life. But, am I brave enough to admit it though?

Maybe its time to be properly introduced to these "times in between". Not being distracted by notifications, YouTube videos or Instagram photos. Probably, within this magical space sit wondrous epiphanies of the nature of life. If not, it suffices as a safe space to just breathe. And I foresee always being in need of that.