090: Conversations with those who passed

A conversation starts after being exposed to any creative medium. Be it a book, a film, a song, an email or a piece of art. When I read a book, a cathartic release envelopes me - it is as if the author is talking to me, and only me. Telling me about his or her beliefs, their thoughts on the world through their eyes, real or imagined. However, I also get a strong sense of sadness when I detach from a book, and remind myself that that the person who penned ink to paper is no longer in this world. Art is amazing, it transcends time and place. Words could potentially touch a person who is born 200 years in the future. Conversations persist although people don't.

When I read Paul Kanthini's book for instance, I can imagine his voice in my head. Although I have never met him, or knew of him when he was alive, it felt like he was sitting in my living room chatting with me over tea. It is even harder to detach myself from films or videos. Watching old episodes of Glee, Cory Monteith's portrayal of Finn now seems so strange. Or watching Christina Grimmie's old covers on YouTube. It is as if they are still here, yet not. A film that penetrated into the depths of my heart was a film called "Like Crazy". I watched it in a time of dark loneliness, and the characters portrayed by Felicity Jones and Anton Yelchin gave me such solace. Like the characters on screen knew exactly what I was going through. I found out recently that Anton passed away in a freak accident, much akin to Christina, and now I watch the film's trailer with a new pair of eyes. He doesn't know it, but Anton's performance gave me strength through difficult times.

Then, there are the ones closer to home. The emails.

Before I finished college, my late grandfather and I used to intermittently email each other - checking up on what the other was doing. Email was a foreign concept to him, so it took him time to reply. He would draft a reply on paper, then type it up slowly onto the computer. He even had a list of steps next to the computer as a guide to help him read and reply emails. Step 1: press ON button.

I still have his emails in my inbox. And from time to time, I would open them up and imagine him typing them to me. A draft in his left hand, his right index finger out stretched, pressing each letter one at a time. His voice is so clear, so familiar still. I sometimes think of replying him. There is so much to tell him, I wouldn't know what to say first. The few days following his passing, I used to write him letters, everyday for a month. I knew that there was never going to be a reply, but the act of writing did help me heal. So, 6 years later, here goes.









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Dear Embahyah,

I hope you're well. Sorry I took so long to write this email, but it has been a tough few years. A lot has changed since I wrote you last. For one, I am married now - to a wonderful, spectacular man. His name is Akmal, and you would have loved him. You met him, the last time you saw me - when you sent me off to London at the train station. He was there and he shook your hand. He loves cooking, just like you did. And he treats your granddaughter like a princess.

Also, I graduated with my first degree! The whole family was there during the graduation two years ago. You would have been so proud - I got first class (just like you always wished I would) and Dean's list. Next year inshaAllah, you will have 3 graduate granddaughters - Ezryn, Yana and I. The three musketeers. I remember how much you used to emphasise academic excellence, I hope we make you proud.

The family still meets up every week - on Saturday nights now. The little ones are now starting school, Adam is Standard 1, can you believe it? Afyq and Raeyn are teenagers in KYS. There are two additions since the last time we met, both Uncle Ajan's, Azanayla and Azafiya - both extremely adorable and growing too quickly! That makes a grand total of 13 grandchildren under your belt.

Bahyah's children are all doing well Alhamdulillah. Mama and Papa moved back into the PJ house after leaving Aberdeen. The layout is a little different, the living room is open plan now to accommodate for the ever growing Sagah family. It is quite empty during school term times, because Ezryn and I are in London whilst the boys are in Malacca. That leaves Fytri, Mama, Papa and Bahmak.

Speaking of Bahmak, she is doing well. You married a strong superwoman. After you passed, Bahmak lost alot of weight, her personality changed and the spark in her eye was gone. But slowly, she has regained the spring in her step, rekindled old hobbies and found her lost laughter. She is a little slower now because of the pain in her knee - but she still goes to her usual Quran classes and visits us in London. She is now into Korean drama too! I cannot begin to imagine what Bahmak has gone through losing you, Bahyah, but I suspect the hole in her heart you left behind will never be truly filled. Instead, she has found ways to strengthen the heart surrounding the hole. I don't know how she did that - but like I told you, she is a superwoman. And don't worry, the family is taking good care of her.

If it wasn't clear so far in this email, we miss you very much. Your absence has been such a tough struggle for all of us. We just can't wait to be reunited as a family, somewhere far better than where we are now.

I love you, I miss you so very much.

Your granddaughter always,

Ayne xxx

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