Today was a day of utmost intensity.
It began with a run. Clocked in 3km, I am surprised that I managed to get myself dressed and out the door willingly before 10am. After almost 2 months of physical absence, my calves, hamstrings and lungs were slapped awake from its deep slumber.
After that, I showered and got myself ready for the inaugural AA sharing session - the first of its kind in the city. It is a session where sisters would gather and just offload thoughts, feelings and frustrations in a safe, judgement-free environment. It was first trialled in Morocco with success. The founder garnered fame in social media with her reflective videos. It was Auntie Adik who pointed me towards this session, and since my other half was away, I decided to go and try it out without any expectations.
About 3 hours later, I didn't expect to come out the other end bruised yet lighter in equal measure. The stories that were shared were so personal, and the lessons learnt were uplifting. The diversity of women represented in the circle also helped in bringing various perspectives to the table. There were tales of loss, struggles of faith, parenting lessons and professional setbacks. Honestly, there was not a dry eye in the house. I too opened up, breaking down in front of a group of strangers. Something that I have never ever done in my entire life. A sister brought up her story of loss, and it was so eerily similar to my story of loss regarding Bahyah. Her anger and frustrations were so familiar that I had to say something. And when I did, the floodgates opened, and the tears were unleashed. Although it has been 8 years now, the emotions still felt so raw.
One of the sisters asked, "Do you feel guilty? Not being there when he passed?"
Honestly, I had never thought about guilt until she said that. Maybe I do feel guilty, but I mostly feel so angry. It wasn't fair that I, having spent the whole morning by his bedside, wasn't given the opportunity to be there with him when he passed. Extended family who weren't with him the whole week got to be there instead. Till this day, I am angry that I never had a proper goodbye as he was already in a coma, one that he will never wake up from, when I landed in Malaysia. I know there must be a reason to all this, God's reason, but it is so hard to let go of.
"You have to forgive yourself. Not being there doesn't mean he didn't know that you loved him. He knew," she said.
The struggle of grief was something most sisters knew so well. And it was nice to be able to share the load. Because as mothers, sisters, wives and daughters, there is an expectation to "keep it together" all the time. It is a relief to be able to be vulnerable, and to be given a space to just offload to people who understand.
During one of the breaks, a sister and I were talking. She has lived here with her two kids for over 20 years now. She lost her husband suddenly several years ago, and since then remarried. We were eating at the time, and when she confided her loss with me, I was holding back tears. With my traumatic experience with grief, losing my husband is my worst fear in life. And seeing her, a woman who has lived and thrived despite great great loss, I found myself thinking, "How did you even survive?" I cannot fathom losing my life partner, the person whom my very existence is intertwined in. Losing him, will mean losing myself.
But meeting her gave me hope - that ultimately, loved ones will come and go, but your only lifeline and constant is Allah swt. If you have Him, somehow, you will survive through any storm. Even storms that tear your home apart, ones that leave you broken physically, mentally and emotionally, to the point you no longer remember who you were because the present self is only a shell of emptiness. Only faith is able to bring the broken pieces together again.
All in all, it was a very enlightening experience. I feel emotionally drained today, and in need of a well deserved rest. However, I also feel lighter, Alhamdulillah. Hope this session is the very beginning of an endless series of group sister therapy!
