230: 20.5 The Hardest Goodbyes (Ramadan Reflections IV)

It is almost the end of Ramadan already. Where has time gone? This year especially - Ramadan has meant so much to me. I have found peace in its stillness, ease in its days and felt God's love through its nights. Thinking about the end of this month comes with a certain heaviness - a reluctancy to return to normalcy. It is a similar feeling when leaving home after my short trips back.

Anyone who lives far away from family can surely relate. The busy nature of Ramadan is akin to the busyness of my yearly trips home. Amidst catching up with friends and extended family, despite travelling many many miles, all I feel when I arrive home is to do absolutely nothing but stay home. I feel the heavy responsibility to make up for lost time with my parents, grandmother and siblings. 

Mundane everyday activities like having dinner around the dining table or falling asleep in front of the television or playing board games with my ever competitive siblings are all additional memories to hold on to - to be used when we are apart. I would have a need to stock up on these precious moments to last me another 11.5 months of the year.

Also very similar to Ramadan is the feeling of being acutely aware of how short this trip home is. The longest I've been home since starting work is three weeks. Three weeks in a year is really not long at all. With every passing day, I would think of the number of days I have left. There is just not enough hours in a day.

Then there inevitably comes the gut wrenching goodbye at the end of the blissful trip home. The one that I have experienced too many times before, yet never get accustomed to. The waking up in the early morning with luggage packed outside my room. The checking my bag for my passport and house keys, doing my utmost best to keep my head down. I don't want to make it apparent to my family how broken I feel. Then there will be the calling for a taxi (we don't say goodbye at airports anymore because its too hard). And as the taxi approaches the gate, there are the final goodbyes. 

There will be me hugging my siblings first, then my grandma, then my parents last. With every goodbye, it will take even more strength for me to hold back my tears. As I embrace my my mum one last time, I will always wish that I had more time, "Just five more minutes, please."

And as I head down the driveway into the taxi, with every step forward I take, every atom within me will increasingly want to stay. Looking back is painful but I would take a small peek through the window and see my loved ones waving. And as the taxi starts to drive off, the floodgates of tears will open and I would feel simultaneously heavier and lighter at the same time. Through this I would pray that this was not the last time I see them, and that God will bring me back to them some time soon.

And as we approach the end of this sacred month, this is exactly how I feel. Leaving this month is like leaving my family. Beautiful reunions make even harder goodbyes. And as I embrace this month in a long, strong hug one last time, I hope our memories together will sustain me and give me strength to go at it alone until we meet again, inshaAllah.

229: 7.5 A Blessed Ramadan Routine (Ramadan Reflections III)

After more than half a decade spending Ramadan and Eid away from home, we have been accustomed to our small celebrations in London. But this year, although we are still geographically far away, I have never felt so at home in Ramadan as I have felt this year. Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah, I have been off from work for the first 2 weeks of Ramadan. I finished off the last of my night shifts on the 1st day of fasting. Then I had a week of being on-call from home where I wasn't once called in to cover a shift, then 4 more days off - making it a total of 14 days.

This has meant that I have had more time at home with family (online and offline), more time for religious practices and learning. For many reasons, this has been the best Ramadan of mine so far. These past few weeks, God has given me the opportunity to break fast with my husband (something that has historically been just me eating a chocolate bar alone on a train or in a doctor's office). Everyday we have also woken up for our daily suhr. Experiencing the tranquility of the early morning together is a true blessing.

Then, after Fajr I would (with my laptop open in bed) continue learning with Sheikh Omer Suleiman and Sheikh Abdullah Oduro on their amazing Quran 30 by 30 series (may Allah swt reward them for their efforts!). Then as the sun slowly begins to stream in through the windows, I sneak in a little Spanish practice (si, yo aprendo español ahora!) before heading back to sleep.

I will be awoken sleepy-eyed everyday by a Facetime call by my beloved mama at 11am for a Quran study circle with my siblings. With my family gathered around the dining table at home in Malaysia, mama would go through the three last surahs of the Quran - word by word - written on a large whiteboard. Many discussions about life's purpose, our duties in this world and our relationship with God and each other has started here - and I am so grateful for all of it.

Then at noon, I will get up from our (air mattress) bed to take a shower and get ready for the day. I would find A at our make shift work desk (actually a coffee table) on a conference call with work. As the afternoon passes, I would join him at the coffee table, sitting on a (pillow) chair on the floor. Our laptops open across from one another. I would pull faces or distract him from his work from time to time, just because I can.

If this was the weekend, at 2pm, I would with joy and excitement, log on to my Zoom sisters' circle (Chit Chat Chai) where we exchange beautiful reflections and stories about the characteristics of God, charity and the power of dua. I cant fully put into words to describe how uplifting it feels to have this community. It is truly my safe haven where I can connect with other like minded young women - all united by our love for God and each other. So many mind-blowing aha moments too, mashaAllah! May God accept all our efforts, Ameen.

Then everyday at 3pm, another Facetime video call from home. Everyone around the dinner table again, this time with our matriarch grandmother at the helm. We will take turns reading the Quran aloud to one another and Embahmak will take a few verses from what we had read to reflect on. Through this we have discussed so many things. Some of which include the stories of Prophet Adam (as), the importance of being grateful for God's blessings, the many signs of hypocrisy as well as attributes of Ihsan (excellence). I greatly cherish these opportunities because it literally feels like I am there - back home, with my family at the dinner table, talking about God. Nothing feels better.

After concluding the tadarus, I would then either help A prepare for iftar or if we had enough to eat from the night before, we would go out for a walk in the nearby parks (with social distancing measures, of course!). Some days it would be so nice to be out in the fresh air, amongst the green grass, beautiful flowers and calming rivers, that we would clock in 6.5 km on a single walk! Then we would go home and break fast together at our small coffee table with a bite of our humbly home made chocolate chip cookies or curry puffs; or the dates that A ordered online. With cups of tea in hand, we would chat about life, the world and what we've learnt that day to later then retire to bed after our tarawikh prayers.

This has been the routine of my day almost everyday for the last two weeks and in it, I have found so much joy, happiness and tranquility. In times when people are spending their last few days alone in hospital without their family and community, it has made me appreciate my time spent with loved ones that much more (even if it is only through video chat). Despite having to move back in to our empty apartment (as most of our belongings are still in storage) in the beginning of April due to the pandemic and being in a state of having very few material possessions, our hearts have never been so full. 

There is no doubt that I am currently running on a Ramadan high as I wish that everyday felt like today. And as I return to normal working life tomorrow, the thought of disrupting my routine feels daunting. But as this work weekend concludes in (a hopefully short) three days, I am excitedly counting the hours to reunite with my family and friends through the interwebs for another session around the dinner table, inshaAllah.

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah for all His blessings.