I put in my first arterial line without supervision today. It was an easy insertion - no fuss, no complications. I was pretty nervous at the thought of inserting the line solo at first despite having inserted two previously. But there was only one senior in the department today and he was occupied. "Why not have a go yourself? I know you can do it," he said, "You can get one of the nurses to help you - they are really helpful."
To be completely honest, I was already pretty confident on doing this procedure on my own - I just needed someone to push me out of my comfort zone because I was so used to the safety net that senior supervision provided. Flying solo today very much mirrored my first ever time taking blood from a patient as a medical student. It was my first week on the wards and I can remember distinctly going into the side room with a foundation doctor, equipment in hand. I was running through the steps in my head - exactly how we practised on dummy arms in clinical skills sessions. My palms were wet and I was slowly developing a cold sweat - I was that nervous. And although the patient had veins that were literally popping out of his skin, I felt like an imposter. I was far from being a real doctor, and I had zero confidence that this procedure was going to yield any positive results.
But despite the bleak picture I had built up in my mind, everything went on smoothly. The doctor was helpful enough to talk me through every step, and a few minutes later, we magically had the blood samples we needed - hooray! Although it was a relative small achievement in the larger scheme of things, I remember feeling like a rockstar. Like a hero - I could have done anything at that point. Similarly, that is how I felt like today.
I must learn to not have such catastrophic thinking when it comes to my abilities. And I have to learn to not psych myself out from making full use of the opportunities that has been made available to me. Ultimately, what I need is more courage. Courage to pursue things on my own - courage to, after sufficient training pedalling with training wheels, to finally take them off and cycle independently. Familiarity can be a source of comfort, but it is only when pressured does one actually grow. Things may go awry, I might fall flat on my face, but if I don't try, how else would I know?
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