177: 20.3 Reminders of my Gender

My parents did well instilling in my siblings and I that our opportunities are limitless. The girls in the family are treated the same as the boys. My parents expected the same from us girls than they did the boys. We had the same curfew and as a family, we did not adhere to gender stereotypes. There wasn't an emphasis on us girls to be skilled in the kitchen, nor was it an expectation for my brothers to be gregarious and sporty. We were treated as equals.

So it came as a shock when outside of the safe haven of home, I was reminded of my "inferiority" amongst my male counterparts. Unfortunately, both instances happened in so-called "Islamic" settings. Thankfully I am aware of the difference of Islam and Muslims, with the latter always being fallible. But if I wasn't, these two incidents could have caused me to stray away from the purity of my beautiful religion, feeling suspicious and angry.

One of the two happened when a couple of friends and I attended a weekend course to study Islamic Finance. It was held at the fringes of East London and it involved us waking up very early in the morning to take the long commute there. I remember it ran when MH370 disappeared. We received the news during one of the lectures - we were surprised, distraught and confused. We were frantically browsing multiple media outlets simultaneously to understand what had happened. And because it involved our national airline, it felt even more close to home. But anyway, I digress.

The course was taught by a well known Sheikh. As expected, most of the attendees were women. We probably made up three quarters or more of the cohort. The men who were sitting in front just about filled up two rows - and even that is generous. In between sessions, the brothers would approach the Sheikh and ask him questions. Participants could also write down questions anonymously on paper and hand it to one of the volunteers for the Sheikh to address at the end of the day.

During the lunch break, my friend and I had a question. I don't really remember what it was - probably just a clarification of something he had said. We walked down the stairs together and approached the Sheikh. We had a short discussion about our queries, then we took our seats again. A few moments later, a sister volunteer approached us. She was clearly distressed, read in the face.

"Sister! How could you just walk there and ask the Sheikh questions?! It is so improper, we have the note system for sisters to ask. Of course, the Sheikh is too polite to refuse your questions, so he answered them. But sister, this is not right! You cant just walk up and talk to him like that!"

Her voice was loud, high pitched. She was waving her arms at us angrily and looking at her facial expression - she must have thought that we were stupid.

"We went as a group. And the men can ask questions, why can't we? And it is in front of everyone else as well!" we answered.

But she was not having it. Shaking her head continuously, she was not interested in hearing anything we had to say. So we eventually relented. After that, any desire to learn or pursue knowledge dissipated - we just wanted to get out of there fast. I for one felt betrayed by people of my own religion and gender. We were meant to be sisters. Even if we did do something wrong (which I am adamant that we didn't), she should have told us in a nicer way.

Clearly, there were double standards during this particular course - just because we were women, we weren't able to have access to the teacher as the brothers did, despite making up the majority of the class. It infuriated me even more that this came not from men, but a fellow woman. She should know how hard it is to be us - why make it even harder? And it wasn't like we were consulting the Sheikh behind closed doors, we were genuinely trying to clarify queries that we had at the front of the lecture theatre, in full view of everyone else there. It made zero sense.

I was also angry because this is a clear example of how people misuse the religion to enforce their own power - to further their own selfish needs. And I was angry because this incident made me lose focus on why I was there in the first place - to seek knowledge. But what most infuriated me was that women are propagating unjust rules on each other. Not only do we have to worry about men treating us inferiorly, our own sisters are also capable in doing the same or even worse.

Before that day, I had never seen my gender as barrier to seeking knowledge. Not in school, not at home - no where. But that day I was unfortunately faced with a warped reality that challenged the very foundations of all my parents teachings. Although it failed to change any of my beliefs or behaviours (if I have a question, I will go up and ask it no matter what anyone says), it was still a very bitter pill to swallow.