It is not just a pitter patter outside this evening. It is a full blown gush of rain as if a flood had burst through its containing dam. It has been a long while since we have been graced with a Malaysian style rainstorm. Yes, we have been tickled with the presence of a snow shower one evening a few days ago, but tonight, there are actual puddles on the streets. Peoples’ hoods and umbrellas are out. Londoners, including A and I, are quickly seeking shelter in any nearby open facilities. Currently we are in Starbucks, 90 mins shy of its closing time. At least we are on the other side of glass window, where its warm and dry.
Similar to the wave of rain coming down from the sky, I felt a similar gush earlier today. Not of the osmotic sort, but that of an emotional storm. On this Saturday morning, A and I woke up slowly - later than we planned, but earlier than what might have been if we succumed to our desires for just one more minute of slumber. We got dressed and walked to the living room - taking our rightful places of work. Me at the end of the dining table. I like my seat, as it is close to the floor lamp and it is next to the window. Also conveniently placed, is the extension cable - handy if my electronics start to lose adequate power.
In contrast, A’s preferred place of work is on the couch. He would move the cushions that crowd the grey ikea sofa to the side, and he would sit in the middle. Laptop open, there he would stay for most of the day. You could judge how long he has sat there by the angle of his back. As the day goes on, you could see A slowly slipping down the sofa - his laptop gradually migrating from tummy to chest. To this day, I do not know how he could work in such conditions, but hey, to each his own!
Usually on mornings like this, I would attempt to get some questions done. My speciality exams are quickly approaching - and although I have made progress, I am far from ready. But as I struggled through the question bank yesterday, the thought of landing on that particular web browser felt nauseating. Instead, I opted to do a little soul revival through studying an Islamic lecture instead.
I have been slowly combing through Nouman Ali Khan’s series of lectures on Surah Al-Baqarah for many years now. I think I started it way before getting married even - so it must have been a 5 year project at the very least - and I am still barely past halfway! So today, Nouman was going through the section on Ramadan and Doa. And it was on Ayat 186 where I uncontrallably broke down and cried.
Usually on mornings like this, I would attempt to get some questions done. My speciality exams are quickly approaching - and although I have made progress, I am far from ready. But as I struggled through the question bank yesterday, the thought of landing on that particular web browser felt nauseating. Instead, I opted to do a little soul revival through studying an Islamic lecture instead.
I have been slowly combing through Nouman Ali Khan’s series of lectures on Surah Al-Baqarah for many years now. I think I started it way before getting married even - so it must have been a 5 year project at the very least - and I am still barely past halfway! So today, Nouman was going through the section on Ramadan and Doa. And it was on Ayat 186 where I uncontrallably broke down and cried.
In the moment he was explaining this ayat, I felt God’s love for me. It was like a shining beacon of light that pierced through the deepest cavities of my heart. It was thrilling and overwhelming. His love never fails. But at the same time, I felt the guilt of not trying hard enough to be close to Him, to have earned His love. Through the busyness of life and work, I am the first to admit that I have felt distant. But the most pertinent question is: Who moved? Ayat 186 has clarified that He will always respond and He is always near, so who moved?
He is always near, despite my failed attempts at gaining closeness to Him, despite my self-centred ways of neglecting my faith and despite the many many times I have disappointed Him and myself. But why would anyone do that for me? Only God does that because He is Most Loving, Most Forgiving and Most Kind.
Dear Allah swt, please accept this imperfect slave of Yours and I beg of You, please never forget or give up on me.
Oh look, it has stopped raining.
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