051: Dreams

My brother Raeyn and Embahyah

I have had some really weird dreams lately. Maybe its because I feel a tad unsettled since I came back to London from my winter trip back home. For the longest time, my late grandfather has not appeared in my dreams. But that day, he did. Unlike many of my dreams though, this dream was so ingrained in my memory when I awoke that it scared me.

I was in my house back home and we were having our weekly family gathering. Embahyah was there dressed in white and he was radiant. Not glowing, but exuding light. Whilst conversations were echoing in the background, I hugged Embahyah tightly. Somehow, I knew that he was leaving us - that his stay was temporary. So when he walked towards the front door, I followed him. I stood by the door and watched as he made his way outside slowly. Then suddenly, he collapsed to the floor. I ran towards him, fell to my knees and embraced him.

I woke up.

There is no doubt that I miss my grandfather terribly. After his passing, I packed my bags right away for Kenya. Since then, I don't think I have fully confronted my grief. I guess Kenya was an analogy of running away from my problems, for denial was bliss. I have recently started reading a book by a psychiatrist called, The Road Less Travelled. In his introduction, he talked about delayed gratification. Based on his experience helping the mentally ill and unstable, he said that a common theme apparent amongst his patients is that they delay "good times" and push "work" for later. We box up our problems and pretend its not there because we can't trust that gratification will come after we've dealt with the hard stuff. So instead of hoping that the good will come, we prolong and cling on to the "good" we already have now. 

Its akin to faith. Although God promises you heaven, a place infinitely much better than this world, we still prolong gratification in this world. Because our place in heaven is not guaranteed. So instead of working hard now, its ironic that we give up prematurely and leave it up to fate.

In short, I pray that Embahyah is now placed amongst those who truly believe. I love you, and always will.