079: The feels

With only positive things being visible publicly (ie on social media), there is an instant knee-jerk when negative associated feelings are vocalised. Here are two such examples:

1. "Don't be sad."
Uttered for instance, when your pet goes missing. If hypothetically, my cats (Mamat and Bubu) suddenly leave, I have a right to feel upset. Relationships filled with warm cuddles, silent pauses broken by loving purrs and just the fact, I witnessed these kittens turning into confused teenagers then man-cats, gives me the right to shed bucket loads of tears and cling on to my blanket for days. Most times I do this in private, but if my guard suddenly comes shattering down during a conversation with you, and I turn uncontrollably teary, do not expect me to be happy when you deny me of my true feelings.

2. "Be strong."
Often this is the first thing you might say when a friend, colleague or a family member has lost someone that they hold dear. Although this is definitely said with good intentions, I honestly get annoyed if someone says this to me. It is a common sense for anyone who has lost someone they loved to be strong. They are doing the best they can to hold the fort down in the circumstances that they are in. Thus, saying a passing remark like, "be strong" isn't at all conducive or helpful - because naturally, thats what we already do. It is in hard times like these, like when I lost my grandfather, I wished someone would have told me, "I know you're strong but for now, its ok not to be." Weakness is strength in the right circumstances. And grief is a necessary step towards healing. So by saying things like "Be strong", its as if the griever needs permission to feel grief. It is your job as a friend not to expect intrinsic strength from them, but rather provide them a safe space for them to be able to comfortably feel.

I don't know - I just find it terribly annoying.



Baring it down to its bones, feelings are meant to be felt - however painful it might be to watch. I feel as spectators we need a crash course to deal with uncomfortable feelings cause we are definitely doing a poor job of it at the moment. Real life, not the things you see on screen, is not all sunshine and butterflies. You might have glimpses of it everyday. But what really makes the sun sunnier is when it is contrasted with the dark darks.

Never deny the dark darks. Or you'll find a dimmer sunshine.