063: Our Wedding Video

Being video enthusiasts ourselves, Akmal and I were very particular when it came to entrusting someone to edit our wedding video. After being quite disheartened at the quality and style of wedding videos in the market, we were so thankful that Umar was available.

He was not fazed by our lengthy brief, with his team delivering above and beyond our expectations. We wanted our guests to be the highlight, with the speeches being one of the most important elements of the video. Our style is laid back and unfiltered, so definitely no scripted monologues. Most important of all, we wanted the emotions of the days to be captured - my dad's laughter, my mom's tears, Akmal's nerves and joy from our beloved guests. Which they indeed successfully portrayed. Hats off to them for all their hard work - we are very happy customers!

By the talented Umar Mita:

Ours. from Akmal Khadir on Vimeo.

062: What Happened in August (Part 2)

2. When I grow up, I wanted to study in a prestigious university in London.

Graduation!

Right after the wedding, my family and I dashed to London in time for me to wear the traditional black robe with its matching hat! It was really humbling having my whole family attend my first graduation. If Embahyah was still here, I bet he would have proudly taken the first flight to London too. 

For everything that my parents have done to make my wedding what it was, my scroll (not that I was given one!) is dedicated to all their hard work throughout the years - from teaching me ABCs, to helping me with my science homework, supporting me through failure in college to pushing my academic abilities in university. They were there with endless support and encouragement. And as Asian parents are, their expectations of nothing short of the best results in class or school taught me to aim high and work hard. For nothing opens up more doors than education. 

Mi familia in front of the red medical school.

Never thought I would graduate as a married woman, but it was him

who gave me the courage to pursue philosophy in the first place. It was

a blessing to be able to celebrate this achievement together.

And for all the years of hard work, this small recognition tastes so sweet. Alhamdulillah.

This entirely is dedicated to mama and papa, for without them and their prayers,

nothing remotely close would be possible.

A short note about my late Embahyah here. When he was studying history in university, his wish was to achieve 1st class honours. However, although he worked so hard, he fell short of a few points and was awarded a 2:1. His dream continued, as he expected one of his children or grandchildren to achieve better than he did whilst at university. When I told my Embahmak that I was awarded first class, she hugged me so tight with happiness. 

She said, "Embahyah would have been so proud of you. First in the family." 

This brought tears to my eyes - because I could imagine how elated he would have been, because no one treasured academic excellence more than my Embahyah. I pray that Allah protects him. And inshaAllah, if I meet Embahyah in heaven again, I would like to tell him of this achievement just so I could witness his reaction. To see that happy face, filled with light and joy. Oh, how I miss him.

061: What Happened in August (Part 1)

Lots has happened since I last penned a blogpost. Most of which, happened in August.

1. When I grow up, I wanted to get married.

On the 9th of August 2014, I married my high school sweetheart/ better half, Akmal Khadir. Needless to say, the wedding was a whirlwind. With back-to-back events, from the nikah to 3 separate receptions, it was a wonder how both of us and my family had any time to catch a breath. But it happened, and it was amazing. I had anxiety beforehand not knowing what it would be like to be "the bride." Was I to be elegant and poised? Because I would have failed at that in the first minute! But all anxiety went away when our family and friends did nothing but pour Akmal & I with buckets and buckets of love. Akmal managed to also validate our marriage in one go, which also helped!

The nikah took place in my childhood home, followed by a backyard reception filled with twinkly fairy lights. I would like to say it felt like home, but it really didn't. With the change towards a more gorgeous and elegant decor, it more resembled a castle fit for kings. The next day, Akmal's family (literally) rallied together and prepared a feast for the hundreds at his childhood home in KL. Many of our friends came and it was nice to be finally acquainted with his family. It was a breath of fresh air seeing the neighbours coming together to cook, decorate and clean up afterwards. The event resonated with love and friendship. And that night, we got to relax with my new in-laws. Definitely, a good end to the weekend.

Then Janda Baik happened the following weekend. It has always been my childhood dream to celebrate my wedding at Janda Baik. Having grown up with holidays spent in Janda Baik, the place is filled with fond memories. And of course, the Janda Baik home was built by my late Embahyah which made it that much more special. With the grace of Allah swt, my wish was granted and it was beyond magical. 

It was like I was dreaming whilst being awake. Our beloved wedding planner, Uncle Zul planned everything so beautifully from the garden-themed photobooth to my gorgeous flower crown. The bridesmaids and groomsmen looked so elegant, and not only did many guests make the (long) journey but they also made an effort to dress up! Everything about that day brought us joy. From our marital entrance accompanied by Harry Connick Jr in the background and flower petals thrown at us by our cherished guests; to the touching speeches by my parents, the maid of honour and bestman; to the short game Akmal & I played; to the fireworks at the very end of the day - I couldn't have dreamed of a day any more beautiful. We feel so blessed, constantly pinching ourselves to make sure that the experiences were real. 

To all future brides out there, one advise I would give to make sure you have a wonderful wedding is family. My family (new and old) came together for us, and it was what it was because of them and their hard work. So be kind to them, and everything will fall in place, inshaAllah.

As you can tell, my family is exceptional. They (including my husband of course!) are truly the greatest gift from God.

Almost 2 months on, I can confidently report that the wedding bliss hasn't died down. Reminiscing on how we started 7 years ago with all the ups and downs in between, we are so thankful we finally made it down the aisle. I'm a happily married woman now! I have been swept off my feet, and have been grabbed off the market indefinitely, with my soulmate by my side. For now, nothing can be better. Alhamdulillah. I bow down to Allah swt, with utmost humility and gratitude.

All my love,

Mrs A

All photos credited to the talented, Hana Jenna & her wonderful team

060: The World Cup

Exactly four years ago, I watched the World Cup final with my family. We woke up at 3am airing here in Malaysia and was pretty much filled with excitement throughout the game. I spent the whole day in the hospital beside my grandfather who was at this point, in a coma. So although I didn't watch normal football nor did I watch any of the other matches of the World Cup, the final game was a good temporary escape from the emotional roller coaster of the past few days.

By the end of the match, I remember being happy. Although I, for the life of me, can't even remember who played the match and who won. I had a few minutes of shut eye before going to the hospital with my grandma again at 9am in the morning. My grandfather's state was critical and was dwindling by a line. During breakfast, I remember my grandma saying that the 50-50 chance of life has become 30-70. I don't know why - but at the time I thought 30% was optimistically good odds. As the morning went on, more and more people came to visit. I didn't realise it was to bid their final goodbyes. As my parents came into the hospital around noon, I was already so sleepy from last night's match. I decided to go home for a few hours to get some shut eye before coming back to the hospital.

I came home, switched on the TV to HBO and slept on the floor. The next moments in my memory was a blur. I woke up, looked at my phone. 3 miscalls from Mama. Picked up the phone and rang mama. And that's when she told me, in her crackled voice.

Embahyah had passed.

Until my family arrived at the house to pick up my grandfather's documents for the death certificate, I was alone in my big empty home coddling my grief. My chest hurt like it was stabbed multiple times with a knife.

I was in the hospital every minute; except Embahyah's final moments. If I didn't watch stupid football, I could have been awake enough to stay at the hospital to say goodbye. But as I entered his ward for the last time, I bid my goodbye a little too late. He was already ice cold when I held his hand.

As the final match of this year's World Cup arrives, I can feel nothing but intense hatred. It might have been that God knew that I couldn't physically cope seeing my beloved grandfather pass. But for now, in my eyes, football embodies everything I regret.

059: The Food Life

In the 2 weeks awaiting my last paper, I have been spending my time in the kitchen concocting dishes, mainly desserts of course!

058: Why I Run

I started running relatively recently. It was in the summer of 2013 when I properly started running. I needed a sport that forced me out of my bedroom because prior to that I was doing yoga or workout videos which was good but I needed to feel my heart beating out of my chest. So I adopted running into my exercise regimen because it was the easiest sport to pick up. You don't need a gym membership. All you need are an optional pair of shoes and perseverance. So almost to a year since the start of my running experience, here are 5 reasons to why I run.

1.  It reminds me that I am alive

It is when I run that I feel my lungs gasping for air, my muscles yearning for oxygen and my heart thumping like a machine in need of oil. The first few runs were horrendous. Although in no stretch of the imagination was it a large feat (a couple of hundred metres), I could literally taste the blood in my mouth. Slowly but surely, my body caught up with my mind and I could run faster and for longer. Running reconnects me to the my body. Because it is (mostly) a solo sport, on runs you can't help but think how dependent you are physically. You are dependent on air, on food, on water to function. Sitting on a couch all day, you tend to forget the rhythm of your breathing matching up to the tempo of your heart. Running reminds me that there is more than bones and muscles to this body - there is life.

2. It introduces me to my cities

Ever since I got on a bike to cycle to school in London, I never saw the city the same. Before that, it was buses and tubes - but really, nothing feels as exploratory or vulnerable like being on a bike in the city. Its the same feeling I feel when exploring the city's small alleyways and secret nooks and crannies by foot. Whoever who knows me well would know that I love taking long walks. Basically, getting lost is my favourite thing to do and I do it often by consciously deciding to walk back from school instead of taking the bus from time to time. Running is just another means of exploring the life of the city. It is not like cycling because you don't have to share the road with other vehicles, nor is it like walking because you don't have time to stop and properly observe your surroundings. I feel running is akin to transforming your city into a playground. Pedestrians become your obstacles which you have to quickly dodge, streetlights become barriers and stairs are tests to get you to the next level. You will start appreciating little things like the steepness of Primrose Hill, London or the humidity of the air in Taman Tun, Kuala Lumpur. Or even how the pavement feels differently when you reach the Serpentine River in Hyde Park. The city says hello! in different ways every time.

3. It teaches me that nothing is truly impossible

When I was in high school, I was in no shape or form a runner. I was the one of the very last kids to show up at the finish line panting heavily after everyone else had loosened up their muscles after a race. I was bad at long distances, and worse at short distances. Basically, I was not made to be an athlete and for the longest time, I believed that to be true. Then, I started running on my own. And slowly, an easy 1k turned into an easy 5k and then to full fledged 10k races. If you were to tell the 15-year old me that I would finish a 10k in just above an hour, I would have told you that you were a crazy fool. But with the grace of God, I have.. twice! And the girl who would have collapsed after a 400m sprint back then, is the same girl who sprinted through the westminster mile race in 8.03 minutes. Running teaches you perseverance. You get what you give, with no special treatment. If you want something, running makes you earn it the hard way. No short cuts. This makes it that much more rewarding when you cross each finish line strong. The self-confidence you get from running will then spill over to other aspects of your life. If you can survive a marathon, I assure you that you will feel like you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

4. It gives me family

After a few months running solo, I joined the Run Dem Crew West in London. The first run was the best time I had in a long time. Running with people whose core belief is to not leave anyone behind - to be a family of runners, is a contagious environment to be in. I fed off their enthusiasm, their drive and their passion for running and the city. Very soon I was entrusted to lead as pace maker! But truthfully, I have never experienced anything like the We Own the Night Race held at Viccy Park in May 2014. Before the race, I trained with another group of runners, the Kyserun Krew. I ran with them in Malaysia, so a few of us trained together to make sure we were ready for the race. It was so good to have veteran runner, D'Ziq to help mentor us. When it came time for the race, we were ready. For me, the highlight of the race was not crossing the finish line, it was at checkpoints 3/7 km and 4/8km. At the first checkpoint, there was the Kyserun Krew family cheering us on. I got so excited seeing them there that I waved my long arms through the crowd of women and gave a couple of high fives! Then there were the extremely loud Run Dem family at the next checkpoint. Most of them do not know who I am but when I point out my gun fingers at them, they gave me the ear-piercing support I needed to finish the race. It was magical. The camaraderie I shared with both friends and total strangers through this sport gave me a high that was sustained for days after the race. Again, it was magical. And something that I want to experience over and over again.

5. It brings me closer to God

Although I have described running so far through a triumphant lens, I must admit that the process is hard. I felt this most during the Greenwich Park 10k where the last stretch involved climbing a hill so steep that you can see the top of that hill from the bottom. When everyone around you is stopping, what keeps you going? And it is at times like this that I reach out to a higher power to give me the strength which I could not generate on my own. So climbing that hill, I remember praying, "God, please give me the strength to finish." Over and over, I would replay this prayer in my head. Then, God answered by blowing a really strong gush of wind from behind me, pushing me forward and up the hill. It was as if God said to me, "Don't worry, I got you're back." It happened again during the We Own the Night race, and I am sure that that will not be the last time either. Running reminds me that through times of peril and weakness, seek God and He will support you. And in times of triumphant finishes, thank God for He has blessed you with strength in your legs, air in your lungs and most importantly the perseverance of your mind. In running, you never run alone. And that is why I run.

057: Five is a good number

Why today was a good day:

1. I woke up late

I had a really good dinner with my medic friends yesterday after a long overdue reunion then woke up in the early morning to spend time with God. It was like earth and sky - the night was full of stories and laughter, while the wee hours of the morning was still and serene. The perfect balance.

2. I met my first warlock 

Prior to this meeting I did watch a youtube video about witches and their faith. I didn't know that they existed before that video so meeting one was an experience! He talked about how in his faith, women are treasured, because they are the vessels to carry young ones. Because of women's capability of childbirth, they are in possession to practice magic. Mind blowing! Was so happy to meet so many different people here in London.

3. We found a castle!

On our walk back from Holborn, we went through Pall Mall and we found this! In my head, way before I stepped foot in London, I pictured castles looking like this. The differentiation factor is certainly the jagged square-like roofs. This particular castle is no longer a castle as its situated really close to Buckingham Palace. I would guess that it is a museum now, but I was excited to see it nonetheless!

4. Met up with my lovely neighbours in Hyde Park

The Flat 10ers and I are very blessed to have such lovely neighbours in Flat 9: Aidan, Patricia, Piera and Hui. We have exchanged dinners and desserts, shared bathrooms when our own is faulty and rescued each other from disconnected internet signals. We hosted a Malaysian dinner, and they hosted a vegetarian feast. In between borrowing tools, picking up post and exchanging presents, we have grown very close to them. We literally haven't seen each other since the exam season started. So seeing them was really nice! They haven't congratulated me (in person) since my engagement so I received big happy hugs from all of them. They are moving out too in the next months so we promised each other to have another get together soon. I am definitely going to miss them.

5. Met up with a random neighbour

Just a block away from reaching the house, we accidentally bumped into fellow Malaysians. I offered my salaam and we started talking. Her mother and herself happen to live on the street opposite ours! And she studies medicine too in the same university with my high school friend. Basically, small world. She invited us over whenever we miss Malaysian cooking so I will hold her to that promise!

Life is full of serendipitous moments, 

if only you take time to brave out of the house 

and wander around familiar and unfamiliar places once in a while.

056: Divine Dissertation

I just conquered the impossible. I had 5 hours of exams today - all of them essay based, and its done! Alhamdulillah :) By the last essay, my hand was so cramped it needed a good minute of shaking and stretching to restore enough blood flow for it to work. Well, it was around 17 pages of writing in a span of 2+3 hours. After I sent in my paper, I was in an instant trance. It was like my mind had shut down and my body had taken over - guiding me back home. I can't say how well (or badly) it went, but I am so relieved that its over. 2 down, 3 more to go!

More happy (nerdy) blessings to be thankful for: I sent in my dissertation a week ago! I have worked my ass off trying to coherently form an original argument of my own. Something new, something that no one has attempted before - comparing the works of Dali and Nietzsche; and forming my own take on epistemology. It was not easy, but boy did I (surprisingly) enjoy it! Maybe its because I thoroughly enjoyed what I was reading so it was honestly rewarding. The hard bit was, having been plucked out of science way out of the objective comfort zone, is not suppressing what I thought in favour of the ideas of other people. For once in my life I had to ask: What do I think? It was liberating, yes but it was confusing at the same time. Because I didn't know what I thought. Usually I just adopted the thoughts of others. But 2 months before the due date, an empty page on my screen was staring back at me and shouting, "Ayne, What do you think?" Thankfully, with God's grace, I pushed through and the result was my lovely dissertation.

I gave the first draft to my awesome supervisor, and the feedback was better than I could have ever imagined, Alhamdulillah. Really, I am in no position to receive such praise (or am I ever going to be used to any praises), so I came to a definite conclusion: My dissertation was divine intervention. Not my doing, full stop. So I am really really really grateful, for God has paved my way towards ease.

"Verily with hardship, there is relief."

(94:5)

055: 15.4

Here's to another 7, inshaAllah.

054: To new beginnings

Current feeling:

Like walking in the streets of Paris

053: Kindness in Budapest

Went to Budapest for a class trip during reading week. This is my first class trip since moving to England so I didn't really know what I was in for. But having no expectations did leave me open to new experiences. Chaperoned by 2 of my lecturers, we roamed the cities of Buda and Pest, discovering its unique medical history in the process. The itinerary was packed and we saw a lot: from ancient books and mummies to anatomical dissections of deformed foetuses. As I have been keeping medicine at an arm's length throughout the academic year, it was refreshing to be reunited with the medical field once again. But instead of going too deeply into the academia part of the trip, before it vanishes from my memory, I just want to jot down the stories of the 3-ish kind people I met during my short stay in the city.

Kind person(s) 1: Drivers

I cannot believe how considerate the drivers were in Budapest. They literally stop for you, even if you are jaywalking! True story: We just arrived at our hostel and the road leading up to it was a one-way narrow little road. Our huge van had to stop and unload all our luggages whilst the row of cars started to quickly increase in length. No horn sounds. To make matters worse, there was confusion on the amount agreed on payment so the driver had to make a quite lengthy phone call to confirm the details with his boss. All the drivers waited patiently until the van driver eventually parked his car on the side of the road to continue his phone call. Absolutely astounding! If this happened in London or Kuala Lumpur, there would have been a decapitated head rolling on the pavement 5 minutes in.

Kind person 2: French Matthew at the Opera

For some reason, I decided to attend my first ever opera, alone in Hungary. The Hungarian National Opera house was breathtakingly beautiful. The architecture was really lavish. I didn't have any expectations for this either. I bought the ticket for 5 euros so I thought, why not give this a try? Little did I know that I would not understand anything until the 3rd act. The opera singers were singing in Italian and the subtitles were in Hungarian. So, I sat there for the first 2 hours making up the story in my head based on the emotions portrayed on stage. And boy, were they emotive. If they are sad, it is heart breaking to watch but when they portrayed love, it was all mushy and dreamy. I guess emotions are universal and requires no medium of language.

But back to my point, I was clueless up until the 2nd intermission when I plucked up the courage to ask the guy next to me whether he knew what the story was about. Thankfully, he did! He was French so he couldn't understand anything either but he had read the synopsis online. Phew! So he spent the next 15 minutes explaining the plot to me. But to be fair, the make-believe story in my head came pretty close! ;) Then, we exchanged stories about what brought us to Budapest. He was a masters student, computer programmer who will be migrating to Canada soon, so he was travelling around Europe in the mean time. Lucky for him: he can code at any geographical location. It was definitely a good conversation and he advised me to learn Python before attempting Javascript. We only asked each others names when we were both about to leave and we parted with "It was nice to meet you!" Overall, it was a serendipitous encounter with a helpful, nice and interesting stranger!

Kind person 3: Juiceman at Budapest Airport 

I was fiddling with the remainder of my HUF coins, thinking I should definitely get rid of them before I board the plane back to London. So I was exploring the airport looking for something cheap to buy because I only had about 3 euros left. I could have bought a bar of chocolates, but really I wanted juice. And lo and behold, there was a juice bar. Freshly squeezed juice, just what I needed to ease the pain of yesterday's feverish episode. So I went to the juice bar and found out that I was HUF50 (about 15 pence) short. So I asked the guy at the counter:

"I really want a juice but I don't have enough HUFs. Can I pay the rest in GBP?"

"Do you have euros?"

"Emmm... no.."

"How much are you short?"

"HUF50"

Just when I was about to give up and pay by card, he said...

"No problem. Which juice would you like?"

I was like... no way! This has never happened to me before!

5 minutes later, I was happily sipping my banana, coconut, mango, yogurt smoothie. 

Thank you juiceman!

In summary, there are kind people out there. 

Chance encounters like these give me hope that tomorrow will be a lot better than yesterday, inshaAllah.

052: What I learnt from philosophy

It just dawned on me that half of my iBSc year has come and gone in lightning speed. Yesterday I went to my friend's birthday party, and it was there I met up with many of my medic acquaintances whom I have seldom bumped into since our academic roads diverged. I was met with this question many times, "How is it going so far, your course?"

Honestly, I cannot rave about it enough. Maybe I am the type that truly belongs in the humanities so my views mights be quite skewed, but I do feel like I won the lottery with the choice of my course. I am loving it - and I hope to take what I have learnt this year onwards into my future career (whatever that may be). If I were to sum up 5 points that I have learnt so far, it would be these:

1. You can have an opinion

Most medical students struggle with this when we enter this course because throughout our education, we, or at least I was taught to take the middle road. To not lean towards one view or one school of thought. But in philosophy, you are taught to have a stand (or backbone) and fight for your point of view. Fight, with evidence so convincing, that you'll win over supporters (namely the people reading your essay). This was clearly very new to me - because after so long passively absorbing, for once I am required to actually think! 

2. History is not fact

In the first week of the course, we had an introductory lecture with brief explanations of what is to come. One of the lecturers, Dr Reeves said something that I will remember forever. "History is not fact. History is what you interpret it to be." My initial reaction, with widened round eyes (if you have seen my small eyes, you would know how much an effort this is) was: WHAT? MY WHOLE LIFE WAS A LIE! In Malaysia, we were taught to memorise history. No negotiations, no reinterpretations, no discussion. When I learnt about how the state kings use to give up land to the British, I have always questioned how it could have been as easy as it was stated in the text books. No fighting, just "Here, my land is yours now." Proper strange - but I couldn't question what was in the text book because it was fact. So when Dr Reeves said what she said, it blew my mind! I never saw a historical book the same from then on out. I would read it from the eyes of the author, and question the "facts" in them which might be skewed to fulfil the author's personal agendas.

There you go, the truth is out kids! History is not fact. Which brings me to the next lesson...

3. Scientific facts are not facts (or truths) 

Akin to the historians, scientists have their own agendas too. In weeks of classes, I have learnt about the philosophical arguments revolving around "scientific truth", the "objectivity" in scientific data and it has been utterly fascinating. In medical school, we were fed bundles of information and we were instructed to believe in them as verified truths without questioning its authenticity. But through philosophy, I am learning about the centuries of debates that has revolved around the "right" scientific method, the amount of trust that we give to our senses and the successful trajectory of science throughout history. For instance, I wrote a 3000 word essay defending a German philosopher, van Fraassen as to me, his thoughts upholds intellectual humility which scientific practice is seriously lacking nowadays. To van Fraassen, the word "truth" should only be used on things that we can observe, while unobservables should be suspended to only being "empirically adequate". Basically, if you see it, believe it - because if you cannot see it, it might turn out to be false. So if we subscribe to van Fraassen's philosophy, we should prevent ourselves from labelling things we cannot see like electrons, atoms, radio waves as un-refutable truths, because a new theory might come along and blow everything out of the water. Don't believe me? Einstein's relativity theory threw Newtonian mechanics into a complete frenzy. And history has its ways of repeating itself.

4. Freedom is liberating and paralysing at the same time

In all of my modules, I have essays to write. And in all of them, with an exception of one this term, I was allowed to choose the essay topic. I have never been given that sort of trust or freedom before, so it felt paralysing. "Write what interests you," they said. So for my first essay, I read so many articles and books, aimlessly looking for something that interests me. When I found one that might be "the one", I abandoned it the next day for something that interested me more. It took so much time for me to commit to one topic, but when I did, I thrived. Enjoying what you are researching really makes a difference. So instead of pretending to be interested in Leonardo da Vinci, I can creatively commit to exploring the world of Salvador Dali instead. 

As the saying goes, "Love what you do. Do what you love." 

5. Thing(s) I know for sure

It suffices to say that I have grown a lot more skeptical as the years draws closer to a close. It really cannot be helped. I have realised that we are living in a human constructed world. Science, art, reason, logic and indeed philosophy are all created and developed by humans. And as fragile a person is, so too are their creations. Full of mistakes, fallible at every corner and incoherent. So, it got me thinking: what is it that I know for sure? It was this: I am going to die. Sounds very morose, but it is a fact. Life is unpredictable, but death is certain. So why do people prepare for life but neglect to prepare for death? 

In short, through my short philosophy deep dive, I have discovered that historically, people have been thirsty for one thing: truth. Philosophy's mistake is putting man (and his thoughts, his theories etc) at the centre of the study. 

If only they centred their intellectual discourses to a place where imperfection was completely absent, I would argue that they would in the end find the truth that they dedicated their lives searching for.

So I guess another thing I know for sure is: God is perfect, and therein lies the truth we all seek.

051: Dreams

My brother Raeyn and Embahyah

I have had some really weird dreams lately. Maybe its because I feel a tad unsettled since I came back to London from my winter trip back home. For the longest time, my late grandfather has not appeared in my dreams. But that day, he did. Unlike many of my dreams though, this dream was so ingrained in my memory when I awoke that it scared me.

I was in my house back home and we were having our weekly family gathering. Embahyah was there dressed in white and he was radiant. Not glowing, but exuding light. Whilst conversations were echoing in the background, I hugged Embahyah tightly. Somehow, I knew that he was leaving us - that his stay was temporary. So when he walked towards the front door, I followed him. I stood by the door and watched as he made his way outside slowly. Then suddenly, he collapsed to the floor. I ran towards him, fell to my knees and embraced him.

I woke up.

There is no doubt that I miss my grandfather terribly. After his passing, I packed my bags right away for Kenya. Since then, I don't think I have fully confronted my grief. I guess Kenya was an analogy of running away from my problems, for denial was bliss. I have recently started reading a book by a psychiatrist called, The Road Less Travelled. In his introduction, he talked about delayed gratification. Based on his experience helping the mentally ill and unstable, he said that a common theme apparent amongst his patients is that they delay "good times" and push "work" for later. We box up our problems and pretend its not there because we can't trust that gratification will come after we've dealt with the hard stuff. So instead of hoping that the good will come, we prolong and cling on to the "good" we already have now. 

Its akin to faith. Although God promises you heaven, a place infinitely much better than this world, we still prolong gratification in this world. Because our place in heaven is not guaranteed. So instead of working hard now, its ironic that we give up prematurely and leave it up to fate.

In short, I pray that Embahyah is now placed amongst those who truly believe. I love you, and always will.

050: Of psychiatry

When I first started medical school, there was never a doubt that I wanted to be a surgeon. I thought that it was the closest thing to being an artist and surgeon because you are paid for your clinical knowledge and the skills with your hands. But as my medical education progressed, I feared that the lifestyle of a surgeon was not one that I signed up for. With many on-calls and late nights, I had many debates with my inner self if surgery was worth sacrificing my life for.

In the end, I want to be happy and I want to lead a purposeful life helping people. Albeit idealistic, it is ingrained in my character to see the patient, as a whole patient, and not just as a disease. Therefore, utterly conflicted about speciality choices, I took a personality-ish test designed by University of Virginia to pair you to the right speciality. And my results were quite surprising, yet accurate.

Up on top, it said psychiatry. I don't know if it is because I am taking philosophy this year, or maybe it is my fascination with human behaviour and the brain, but in the back of my mind, I knew that psychiatry was a potential avenue. Not only can you deeply explore your patients' conditions, you can form relationships with them over time and help them alleviate their emotional distress. I find the mind extremely complex thus fascinating - nothing that can be explained reducibly in human body or physical form. Plainly, you can't treat the mind only by treating the brain. Thus the void is filled with studies in the humanities: sociology, psychology, anthropology, neuroscience, philosophy and history. The breadth of possibilities are endless, and since psychiatry is a relatively new field, I cannot imagine what it would be like in 5, let alone 20 years.

However, the downside of psychiatry is its stigma. If mentally ill patients receive stigma, so too do their doctors. Unfortunately, this does not only come from the public, but from fellow doctors as well. Psychiatrist are often said to be not "real" doctors and the history of asylums does little to help shake off this perception issue. Good thing I am an INFP, so I do not really care what other people think because I am an introverted feeler. But the flexible and supportive working environment as well as opportunities to branch out into media, film and writing is an added bonus. 

But I did pay a visit to Great Ormond Hospital yesterday to settle details on my research project, and walking into the paediatric gastroenterology ward made me feel like I belong in a hospital environment. I guess what I am saying is: I am confused.

I think I should let go and just see what happens. "Live in the moment" as Jason Mraz kindly puts it. But at the moment, anxiety of not knowing is paralysing. 

049: Bill's birthday

I have been wanting to write about this for so long. And I have been kicking myself ever since. This happened in August 2013, and now its January 2014. Thats procrastination. But better late than never! I thought that this story is just too random, too unique and too special for me to just forget. 

So here goes.

So it all started with a Malaysian dinner with my boss. I booked a table at Tuk Din so that my boss got a chance to eat good authentic Malaysian food before my internship comes to an end. To the dinner, he brought Bill, the company's advisor - who I only had the pleasure of meeting only at the very end of my stay at the company. But again, better late than never.

 We got talking and with all honesty, he is one of the most interesting people I have ever met. A traveler, a lover of fishing, art, music who moonlights as a corporate advisor and sits on the board of advisors of my university hospital. He is just so random, and his stories of his travels were just so awe-inspiring and his knowledge of culture and religions mind-opening. He had the energy of a youthful teenager despite approaching retirement. And according to my boss, he enjoys long walks, bike rides and runs. What else do I have to say to convince you, dear reader, that he is awesome? 

Towards the end of the dinner, I was telling him about my medical education. Like most people, he was pretty confused on why I agreed to take part in an internship in technology. So I explained, and told him about my many interests in many things. At the time, it was medical technology. So he said, he had a son who works in improving the IT in the NHS, and he suggested that I should definitely meet him. He said, that he, with a couple of friends organised a hackathon for medtech. In my head, I was saying, "No way, I was just about to contact the organiser of that exact hackathon to see if I could get involved somehow." In short, small world.

So after the dinner, he gave me his card and asked me to keep in touch. A few days later, he called me and said, "My son Ben is coming to my house tonight for dinner. You should come and you guys could talk about the hackathon." Since I hadn't any plans, I said ok sure. And he gave me his address. It took me awhile to find his house, but it was somewhere up north - had to take the Overground. He opened the door with a smile, and I entered into a very warm, kind of eclectic home with a kitchen that opens up to a big garden. I was surprised that there were quite a handful of people already in the garden eating. So Bill showed me to the table and right away, strangers who later became friends offered me fish and seafood which were caught by Bill and Ben on their fishing trip earlier that day. Fresh off the line!

I was then introduced to Bill's daughter, grandchildren, Ben, Ben's friends, Bill's friends, neighbours and some people who used to stay at Bill's house - basically many many people - more than I can remember. We ate and exchanged stories - they were intrigued that I came from Malaysia, a med student who will take philosophy etc etc. In between fish pasta, violin performances, fire shows and conversations, I forgot why I was there in the first place. Then a cake came out.

"Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday dear Bill.

Happy birthday to you."

And I was like, wait a minute. Its your birthday? 

You would think that you would mention that before you invite someone you just met to your house.

But at the same time, I was touched because he invited me to share this day with him and his family and friends. I have just met the guy. And he turned 60, or was it 65. It really didn't matter. I told my new friends this - that I had just met Bill and that I didn't even know that it was his birthday - and much to my assurance, they said that that was very 'Bill' of Bill. He opens his home to everybody.

After a lovely evening, I caught a ride home with one of my new friends. I did talk to Ben in the end, and that later led to another (random) dinner with his doctor-tech friends in a Somalian restaurant in Kings Cross. I laid on my bed that night, trying to rationalise what had just happened. The thing is - I couldn't. Rationally, a person would not invite a stranger (me) to their intimate birthday party - especially someone who is of a totally different background and culture. Nevertheless, Bill did. He saw pass my head scarf, my ethnicity and my background and saw an interesting human being and a possible friend. If I learnt anything through this experience, it was that people don't give squat of what we look like or what we believe or don't believe, as long as we are good people. 

I wish for more Bills in the world, and I wish Bill a happy and long life. Ameen.

048: The wait

Oh the wait, it was so worth it 

- Jason Mraz, Beautiful Mess